I'M BATMAN

  This was a draft from July 29th 2015...the only thing that was on it was this title. I wonder. What was I doing here. Thinking of the date. The only landmark would be that point. I remember. I remember why I was here. It's the same reason why I'm here today. damn. That was the day i learned something new. Felt something new. Still thinking why the title is like that. Maybe if I knew the time of this draft. I would know more. Because between the two moments, was basketball. And one moment is significantly the opposite of the other.

Tread lightly from here on. It will not be as nice as it usually has been here.

  One was a time when I had hope. A time which I felt that I had to do something soon. There was this constant tugging, telling me if you don't do it soon. You never will. It kept going through my head. The multiple scenarios of that something, something that I wanted to do for years and years. But you know what, the negativity kept me back. It always have. Kept living a life filled with regrets. Thinking that, "No, not for this. Not this time. I will do it. This week. I'll open up. Tell everything. Everything since the beginning. How it lead to this. Why I want it to work."

  I thought, maybe a little basketball would help me clear my mind. A friend just came back. And I've been dying to get a chance to play with him again. But you know what. I don't remember much of what happened during basketball. I went there, trying to clear my head, think of a plan of action. What do i do to make THAT happen. How do I make THAT work. We went back to my house. Chill for awhile. I mean. it's not like last time where he can come and go for ball. No this time he had a longer journey. Chilled and talk. To be honest. I wanted to tell him what I was planning on doing. A truth that I have never told anyone before, even though I had so long to tell someone. I mean, this feeling existed for awhile now. But no. I didn't trust him. Didn't trust anyone enough to tell this. It's been locked away inside. But I thought, maybe when I go through with the plan, I don't have to. So I let him leave, thinking of a way to approach and lead to THAT. I took my dinner saying that, "I will do it. I'll say maybe we should have another session of breakfast. If not, maybe anytime that you're free this week." I was certain that, it would be this week. Doesn't matter what the result would be, it's gonna be this week.

  The other, hope shatters, a message got through. You know I made the settings on whatsapp that, whenever I get a message, It will immediately pop up on my screen. Looking at my phone, a new group? Why? I see the names of the people inside, only two, owh it's my friends, to me they were my closest. One was the one though. One was her. She was the one that was suppose to be in THAT situation. The one i tell everything about on THAT moment. THAT moment that has been going through my head for years, not only that particular day. So i looked at the phone, smiling, but that didn't last. It was her who made the group. The first message was, "remember when I would tell you guys everything." When the next message appeared, my heart sank like a rock, smile wiped right of my face, I turned off the screen immediately. It felt like I was gonna crush my phone turning off the phone,squeezing it so hard. I immediately dropped it. It made a loud *THUD* on the table. My mom was behind asking what was that. I replied "nothing", it felt like I was struggling saying that, but nobody noticed, so i concealed it. I even went as far as to cover my phone with the tv remote, I didn't want to believe what I saw. Hope shattered, and i felt it, as I went on finishing my dinner, i was literally shaking, felt weak, one scoop of the rice, trembling, some grains even fell, i couldn't take that bite, I let the spoon down, trying to calm myself, stop the trembling, gather some strength, so I continued eating. I've never eaten that halfheartedly before. I didn't have any appetite after that thud. That was the slowest I've ever eaten for such a small amount. I would usually have another plate, but I didn't even think I was gonna finish that one. I finished and put the plate in the sink.

  I picked up the phone that I put under the remote and immediately went to my room, But I didn't have a room to myself, owh how I wished I really did that day, I couldn't let anything out, It was really tearing me apart on the inside, But I concealed, every answer to my aunty's question, it felt like there was trembling in my voice to me, but it wasn't noticed, if i needed to talk long, she would probably find out. Luckily she was already falling asleep, I took this time to gather myself and looked through the message again, It was true. And right then all the plans I laid out in my head just, crashed. It had no meaning anymore. I couldn't tell anything now. Thought of opening up but after that I locked it even deeper. But I had to reply, she was a friend first. But wow, it was so hard, i was still so weak. You know how you usually type in bed, lying down facing the ceiling two hands holding the phone and typing right above your face...I couldn't. All the energy zapped away. Replied everything with one hand, oh so slowly. I had to show interest but I couldn't, I just dropped it all to my other friend. I said i was tired. I put down my phone, really wanted to fall asleep, forget all of this, take me away to my dreams. But I couldn't. Eventhough the group went silent. I couldn't. That night was the worst, I've had times where I couldn't sleep, but not like this. I usually last 1hour before I finally fell asleep. This was longer, and felt much worse, It felt like my energy was continously being sapped, but I still could not fall asleep. I even felt feverish and trembling, It was strange, but that was when I knew what I felt for her was real. How much I was scarred, was real. I did eventually fell asleep, probably took like 3-5hrs before I fell asleep. But I still woke up early. And it only reminded of what I had planned to do with this time before class. It was a day where I felt the worst. But I won't go there now.

  At this point I would usually say,this was a friend's story or something i got from the internet, but this was truly me. This must be the first extremely down post i have done, ever. Hoping this will help let some go. We'll see. We will see.

  The title though...whether it tips to one moment or the other, I still do not know. what I was thinking when I wrote the title....was I actually writing it before basketball.......or was I writing it when I was desperately putting myself to sleep. Being batman. Would you do whatever it takes to succeed in something, crimefighting and all....Or are you just hiding behind a mask, hiding all that you are. hrm.